As we alluded to last week, the word “relationships” is another amorphous piece of language we throw around a lot, in both business and in our personal lives. But what exactly are they?
For the purposes of this piece, Dictionary.com defines the word as: “a connection, association, or involvement; an emotional or other connection between people.”
OK, a good start, but how do we initiate, develop, nurture and sustain them is what interests FIG. Why do they matter? Why are they important? What do they mean? And why should we care?
Ironically, and somewhat counterintuitively (as it is generally accepted that relationships occur between two or more people), it begins with you and your own self awareness. Why are you engaging with someone? What’s the point of the undertaking? What do you hope to accomplish? Why even bother? Obviously, the end game is usually building our networks, visibility, professional brands, and, ultimately, increasing our bottom lines.
The thing is, we’re not just specialists in our given fields, we’re human beings (dear reader, are you discerning a FIG theme in these weekly offerings?); We’re people before professionals, and people interact and respond to people. The oft cited “you never have a second chance to make a first impression” comes to mind. While pithy and perhaps a bit trite, there’s a great deal of truth to the saying, especially in the development stages of relationships - which brings us back: What’s the point of the interaction?
Of course, we ALL want to be perceived as competent, accomplished, articulate, and experts in our fields. However, our amygdalas (the temporal lobe of the brain and involved in emotional responses) have superpowers in discerning, almost instantaneously, if we feel a connection or interest in another. This reaction is not something we can control; It just happens. So, how do we avoid having this tiny part of our brains - it’s only about the size of our tonsils - from firing with a negative emotional response? Well, to begin with, you gotta be nice!
How do you want to be perceived initially? Do you want to present yourself with an authentic smile as an accepting, interested, curious, and accessible human? A professional who is aligned with a commonality? Who takes the time to know someone you might end up doing business with: their work, their interests, their challenges, goals, objectives and what drives them (notably, this does not happen in a 45 minute interaction, networking event or sales call)? Have you researched the person you’re meeting with to find commonalities and interests? Are you groomed and attired in a manner that befits the generosity or their time (everyone is ‘busy’ and an audience with someone you want to know is a gift of their time)? This is not wasted time, it is imperative time spent.
OR
Are you slogging through your meetings, checking them off your “to-do” list, just trying to get them over with, in a hurried, uncomfortable, possibly agitated, agenda to meet your goals, without much forthought or effort, seemingly bored and disinterested, plastering a manufactured smile on your face with an interest only in getting the business and closing a deal? (Note: the examples laid out are extreme in their totality, but even if you exhibit one or two of these motivations, trust me when I tell you it will be received and understood, the aforementioned amygdala has an uncompromising BS meter.)
The first description is about the “other,” the second is about you, and you are not the point if you genuinely want to get to know someone and build a relationship…..period, FULL STOP. If the relationship develops, there will be plenty of time for them to get to know you, but you have to advance to that point by being sincerely interested in the “other.”
For sure, we’d all like to think we’re representative of the former description, but, are we? Really? What IS your definition of “success?” Money? Status? Recognition? Social good? Making an impact? In business, in your community? It all starts with you, your motivations, intentions and authentic style of communication. A rigorous exercise, indeed, requiring an honest inventory of our catalysts - and well worth some time and consideration, and will almost always lead us back to relationships.
When I was beginning my career as a legal headhunter many years ago, I met two partners at one of the larger firms in Denver. They knew what I did for a living and couldn't tell me enough times that they would”‘never leave their firm... they loved it and stressed often, this was the place they planned to retire from.” I told them I completely understood, but asked if it would be ok if I invited them for a coffee or lunch a couple times a year (I truly enjoy them to this day, they are smart, interesting and accomplished attorneys). They said sure, but not to expect, ever, to have them as candidates to place elsewhere. So, we met every six months or so - for 9 years. On the 10th year, they called me to tell me the management, culture and direction at their “forever firm” had changed and was no longer aligned with their professional values. They also told me I was the only headhunter they were calling (and there are a lot in Denver and nationally!) because I had been the only one who had steadfastly maintained an authentic and true connection with both of them. They were relatively easy to find a new professional home for, each with large books of business and stellar reputations, and I did so in short order. And, by the way, represented the largest fee in my recruiting career: $150,000. Just sayin’.
“Who you are is speaking so loudly that I can’t hear what you’re saying.”– Ralph Waldo Emerson
Until next time…...