Happy Thursday, All!
Lately, we’ve been thinking about compliments, one of the great gifts we can give one another and elements of interactions that are a cherished part of our linguistic capabilities. As one does when thinking about a specific topic, we began paying attention to people's behaviors around giving and receiving these gifts. Chances are we are all guilty of offering disingenuous toss away platitudes like, “Nice job!” or, “Looking good!” or, “Aren’t you nice?” We are all probably equally guilty for, at some point in our lives, deflecting, dismissing or otherwise blowing off a compliment or commendation with, “Oh, don’t be silly” or, “Nah, you’re just saying that,” or “Oh, stop it” or “You really think that?” or (our personal cynical favorite) “I’ll pay you later” or, worst of all, simply ignoring one. The thing is: when we toss around oblique non-specific “accolades” like Mardi Gras beads to just about everyone, frankly our credibility comes into question making it suspect to those on the receiving end whether they are conscious of it or not (it’s that pesky amygdala “bullshit detector” again!). Conversely, when we deflect or dismiss an apparently genuine acknowledgement of something someone perceives as a good thing, we’re essentially saying, ”Your opinion or observation is of no value to me,” which usually isn’t the case (usually it indicates a certain lack of confidence or need for more validation in the deflector - but that’s a topic for another day). The banality of those, while probably well-meant, platitudes like “good job” are so ubiquitous these days, we think, are a result of people not slowing down and thinking about what we are actually trying to say. And honestly, it’s just simpler. But do we really want simple or do we want to add value to those we care about or work with by genuinely acknowledging someone’s accomplishments and valuing others' honest assessment of a job well done?
Yeah, us too.
So how?
We’re certainly not suggesting that you run out as your mail is being delivered, hug your postal worker and tell him or her how much you appreciate the long hours, long slogs and commitment to their motto: “Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds" (although these largely unseen, unrecognized couriers probably would appreciate it, a lot! Just sayin’)
Giving a compliment is actually an art form, striking the balance of just enough words of recognition and appreciation for a job well done or act of kindness; we think that the intention of most is to mean it when we offer sincere recognition, it just takes thought (not to minimize the thinking process). If we can create space for ourselves to think about what we want to say, who we’re saying it to, how we want our words to be received and what our intention is in sharing our observations, the marvelous ability to compliment, pass along good thoughts and well meaning, or honest accolades is really quite simple and can feel wonderful on both ends. The ability to recognize an effort, act or display and articulate clearly that we see and understand what it took to accomplish the work or act: the planning or organization involved in completing the achievement, the collaboration it took to produce, actually putting yourself in the recipients shoes and thinking about how they did what they did and then saying “I’m really impressed!” can go miles in crafting an authentic compliment. Think about sandwiching “Nice job,” with here’s what I liked about it and here’s the impact this work has on our organization or project. Or, if you’re giving a personal compliment, state the behavior you admire, support the statement with evidentiary fact and tell them how much it means to you. “I am so grateful for your friendship: your constant and unwavering support, your daily emails of encouragement and just knowing you’re there for me, enriches my life. Thank you!” Or some variation of the same, feels good to say and probably great to hear…..On the receiving flip side, assume a compliment is genuine, authentic and well intended - even if you don’t necessarily agree with their assessment. Take the words to heart, maybe they’re seeing something you are not and perhaps have overlooked as a personal / professional strength, which might just be something you can build on. Say “Thank You!”
Part of our job at FIG is to give honest, impartial, non-judgemental, objective feedback to our clients: the good, the bad and the ugly. Far and away my favorite part of these conversations is highlighting my clients’ “superpowers,” unique strengths and gifts they bring to their positions and companies, with fact-based examples of behaviors and accomplishments they’ve exhibited and I’ve seen firsthand. They really can’t argue (nor can they argue with the more sensitive delivery of presenting behaviors that might get them into trouble, as it’s done gently and with kindness but equally fact-based, which lends credibility to the positive observations, but I digress). I love showing these, to date, all incredibly smart and gifted humans in their respective fields, in my professional opinion. It feels good to share these positive observations, it feels good to have them see what I see genuinely, authentically and part of the reason I love my job!
Let’s all try to practice grace, honesty and honest assessment of a job or action well done and take the time to think about and say what we so appreciate about each other professionally and personally, shall we? Oh, and remember to say Thank You!
Until next time…….