In her monthly newsletter for the Colorado Attorney Mentoring Program (CAMP), Ryann Peyton spoke about Essence vs. Persona: What's Informing Your Professional Identity? Around the same time FIG was invited to participate in a podcast at the end of May. It’ll be conversational about FIG’s work, but in advance, the hosts asked me to consider the concept of authenticity so this is as much an exercise for this writer as it is hopefully illuminating for you all, dear readers.
Dictionary.com defines authenticity as: “the quality of being authentic; genuineness.” What does THAT mean? How do we find and identify our authentic selves? Our unique identities?
Our true selves are created and established by so many factors: how we were raised and the messages we were given as we came up (children have no capacity to define themselves, so naturally adopt other people's - usually their parents’, teachers’ or other grown ups’) perceptions of them, we incorporate peoples opinions, what resonates with us, our likes, dislikes of personal/professional practices, and what’s important to us. As we develop, we begin to value or devalue conduct of behavior these influencers exhibit, adopt or reject standards of performance that are the norm in their worlds, learn to please and get attention by doing so, or learn what pisses people off and accept the negative ramifications of conduct unbecoming in our tribes. These are external data points, other peoples’ opinions which, if we’re thinking about them, can provide a launching point on our own quest for clarity of self.
Authenticity comes from within, our personal North star. Shedding the opinions or judgements of others we determine to be antithetical to our ‘right,” even if they have helped form our journey, can be a gut check for sure. The ability to demonstrate the confidence and fortitude to explore different iterations of ourselves, trying new things, making mistakes, missteps, finding successes, developing our own opinions, and acting on our own informed instincts, sometimes without the approval of others, yep, another gut check. We would argue that the approval of ourselves is well worth the temporary discomfort.
If encouragement and acceptance is absent, as in environments of risk aversion, prevalence of fear, of not being accepted, loved for who we actually are, we are compelled to contort ourselves into someone else's ideal version of who we “should” be, which will invariably derail, curtail and often times, squash the pursuit of uncovering our authentic selves. Humans are pretty adaptable and nimble and most of us do have the capacity and indeed the ability to “fit in” to gain approval. As we get older, these adaptive skills take on new meaning: What pleases our bosses? Our peers? Our partners? But what about us? How do we please ourselves? Ever met anyone who seems to be so comfortable in their own skin and wonder, “How the hell did that happen?” or “I want what they have!?”
It takes courage, intention, a LOT of time and a ton of exploration: observing life and people, trying on practices, personas, attitudes, learning what you like, what behaviors you admire, identifying what being a successful human means to you….is it wealth, prestige, title, living with integrity, honesty, meeting your commitments, being kind, empathetic, understanding….what’s important to you? To be sure, it’s much easier to live someone else’s ideal of who or what you “should” be, no question. It takes fortitude, perseverance and an unyielding commitment to the curiosity of YOU: what do you like and admire and then, importantly, how do you achieve it, your way?
I was brought up in an extremely narrow-minded family, isolated in their myopic bubble of life, content to “do things the way we’ve always done them,” no deviation. The way things were done was “right” and anything else was “wrong.” It was a prescribed existence: raised to be seen and not heard, go to the “right” schools including the “right'' university, get a job (not a career for women mind you), get married, have babies and raise them the way I was raised - wash, rinse, repeat. Most of the women in my family have Ivy League educations never used, but by god they have the diploma. This prescription was toxic for me. I never fit in, always asking “why” things were done this way or that, never receiving a satisfactory answer - because “that’s the way we do things” never sufficed. I was, and am to this day, the rebel, the black sheep, the apple that fell and rolled away from the tree. So, I ventured away from this life: met new people, tried new experiences, explored, made mistakes, some big ones, moved away and followed a drive I could not explain. Some call it grit. I was determined to be actualized, to be authenticated, not by the standards of others but by my own guiding instinct….never really knowing where I would end up or where that would be, but knowing, with every fiber of my soul, that I would know it when I felt it.
Professionally, that place is FIG. As mentioned in previous offerings, it is the confluence of everything I’ve done personally and professionally. The sum total of all I’ve seen, experienced, worked through, observed, learned from - the good, the bad and the ugly - from my parents, superiors, subordinates, mentors, mentees, husbands, friends, and importantly, my son. I pieced together elements of all of it and found the skin I choose to live in. I needed to eschew approval in lieu of my “right,” from my family and sometimes from my work when I was working for a company or manager misaligned with my values. I found my essence in lieu of my persona. Scary? You bet. Challenging? Beyond words. Lonely? Yes, at times. Gratifying, enriching and fulfilling? Immeasurably. Finding my authenticity has been the greatest gift to myself. To say I encourage you all to explore yours is the understatement of the century.
Wishing you all godspeed on your journey’s.
Until next time……..