Ahhh yes, an unfortunate detail in living and working with other humans: those nettlesome disagreements. We all have them, not many of us enjoy the experience (although there are those who seem to thrive on conflict, but that’s a topic for another day), and yet, periodic discord does in fact rear its head from time to time. Disagreements are not necessarily a bad thing, not at all. They can provide a forum to hear different points of view, distinctive, contrasting and sometimes off-beat attitudes, beliefs and worldviews which, when conducted constructively, create the potential to broaden our own minds and perceptions thus enabling us to expand our horizons and intellects. All good things. So why do so many of us avoid having healthy debates and run like our hair’s on fire or otherwise sidestep having these kinds of exchanges?
Yep, there’s a reason (broken FIG record), and guess what they boil down to?? Feelings! Confrontations bring up all manner of feelings: discomfort, frustration, irritation, annoyance, fear, rage, blame, outrage, disdain, being attacked, not being heard, recognized, appreciated, none of which are particularly fun or associated with a positive experience. In fact, on the continuum of fun to unfun, these feelings rank pretty highly in the unfun column. But let’s dig into why, shall we?
Historically, disagreements have been framed as a “bad” thing, something to be avoided because we “don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings” (there’s that word again), or we’re frankly so emotionally charged or attached to our viewpoint that the notion of relinquishing a hard or long-held belief is simply too much to bear, or we don’t value another’s opinion or intellect enough - “They’re just an idiot, why should I listen to them?” Sometimes the person you have a beef with is a superior (or conversely a subordinate) which has its own unique set of circumstances involving a power dynamic. When contemplating a disagreement, we imagine the worst outcomes: getting fired, hating the person, damaged or damaging a reputation, becoming enraged (and THEN what would happen?? I might kill someone!) Or worse, those who don’t even think about the fact that they have contradictory attitudes and simply react emotionally, which given the fact that they’re already annoyed with a situation, typically doesn't go well at all. Many of us are conflict-averse, which can manifest in all kinds of curious behavior: passive aggression, sabotage and/or internalized physical symptoms (the World Health Organization found that 80% of all medical office visits are as a result of the physical manifestation of emotional struggles or psychological trauma - and yes, there are those who view disagreements as traumatic often because of past experiences which are usually negative).
Regrettably, one of the most common avoidance strategies is, of course, simply dismissing our “opponent” as the aforementioned “idiot” with judgment, condemnation, derision or disgust. Perhaps sharing our opinions with colleagues or co workers (in our opinion, poisoning the proverbial work well) or worse, the explosive personalities among us who are of the belief that “he/she who yells the loudest wins” (sorry folks, screaming won’t work to do anything but piss people off more - contraindicated in a disagreement wouldn’t you agree?). Truthfully, we can’t simply wish a potential argument away. We certainly can ignore, avoid or otherwise evade having it out with someone, but honestly, the feelings will simply stick around, and, in fact compound with every subsequent infraction - real or perceived.
The thing about feelings is we can suppress them all we like, but until we find resolution, they will fester and synthesize. Fact. We believe the above “strategies” for disagreeing are a cop-out of epic proportions from doing the hard thing: actually having a discussion. Sure, it’s easier to simply dismiss our opponent as a moron than to actually share discourse of opposing views, but it really doesn’t have to be. We believe that one can say anything to anyone so long as we use the right words, and do so with the right intentions, tone and time to have the conversation. The human species has great gifts: the gifts of language, thought and intention. Thinking ahead of time about what you want to say, how you want to say it, who you’re speaking with, and how it might be perceived takes time and thought. Is it easier to pop off and react? Sure. Is it effective for a continuing dialogue? We think not. Do we all want to work harmoniously despite these pesky disagreements? We think so. Is the intention to find a mutually beneficial outcome or resolution, even if both parties agree to disagree without contention? Usually. Do logic and discipline afford us a platform for honest and candid discussion? You bet. Will emotional reactions, assumptions or preconceived notions derail a positive outcome, even if neither party gets everything they want? Absolutely.
In her TED Talk, Megan Phelps talks about navigating dissenting conversations. We think they are spot on. She outlines four basic, yet fundamental, elements in having a conversation with someone you disagree with:
1. Don’t assume bad intent - assume a positive or neutral intent
2. Ask questions with a genuine interest in understanding their perspective
3. Stay Calm
4. Make your argument.
Indeed. Try to remember that disagreements aren’t always pleasant for any of us, but the reason is largely emotional. If we can assume both sides are having the discussion for a resolution, not for the “win,” be authentically curious to learn more and not just listen to dissect their case, you’ve got to care about the exchange. Remember that any feelings that are evoked are just that: feelings, which sometimes can be irrational. Make your part of the debate not from feelings but from facts, and build a logical, compelling argument. If someone doesn't “get” what you’re saying, maybe a rethinking of how you’re delivering your message might be in order.
Disagreements can be interesting, enlightening and mind expanding. Let’s all take a breath, think about what we’re trying to accomplish in the conversation and keep talking, shall we?
Until next time…….